


Pearl Cuisine Is Not a Pun

by theoncomingwolf



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, a jokey pearlnet reference but not really pearlnet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-09
Updated: 2016-02-09
Packaged: 2018-05-19 07:40:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5959150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theoncomingwolf/pseuds/theoncomingwolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU where Steven brings Pearl along in Fusion Cuisine instead of Alexandrite. The most nuclear mom.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pearl Cuisine Is Not a Pun

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! Just a little fun fic while I work on my other stories that need updating.

Connie’s a bit relieved to see it’s Pearl. She didn’t specify her preference of gem for Steven to bring, but Garnet had already messed up once with her mom, and Amethyst was fun, but not parent-meeting material at all. Especially not her parents.

“Hey there,” Steven’s dad greets, “I’m Greg Universe, and this is my  _ wife...  _ Pearl.”

Pearl nods, but her face doesn’t look happy at all. She seems to realize this after a moment and her lips stretch into what could be considered a smile, if only it met her eyes.

“Priya,” Connie’s mom replies.

“I’m Doug,”

Pearl sits in the chair Greg pulls out for himself, so she can be next to Steven. It’s easily enough mistaken for him being polite, and Connie sees her mom smile in approval. 

“Connie’s a lovely young girl,” Pearl says, “I’m so glad that Steven has someone like her to play with.”

She watches Greg out of the corner of her eye as he excitedly grabs a breadstick and begins to eat. Wrinkling her nose, Pearl leans on one elbow, away from Greg and towards Steven. It’s a bit of a wide lean, and combined with the slight turn in her chair, Pearl’s body language does not read positively towards her “husband” at all. 

“So, how did you two meet?”

“Oh, uhm,” Greg falters for a moment, long enough for Pearl to jump in. 

“He followed a friend of mine home after a show,” Pearl says, waving her fingers at Greg, “he used to be a musician.”

Greg nods, relieved at the truth, and wonders why he didn’t just say that; he pats Pearl’s leg, to make up for his falter. Pearl’s chair scratches somewhat audibly against the ground as she pulls her leg away quickly enough to inch her chair a tiny bit to the side.

“Heh, sorry,” Greg whispers.

“What did you play?” Doug asks, seemingly intent on getting past that weird moment. 

“Oh, electric guitar!” Greg says, grinning, “I sang and wrote the music- I was a one man band.”

“And now?” Priya asks.

“I run the local carwash.”

She looks towards Pearl, expectantly.

“I-” Pearl begins, proudly, before realizing she isn’t allowed to say such things as, ‘protect humanity’ at this dinner.

“She works at an apple farm!” Steven says, throwing his arms into the air. 

It’s a weird response, but not too bad, even combined with Pearl’s weird attitude, so Connie sighs, but lets it stand.  

“On Steven’s mom’s apple farm, they’re working to create a gala-fuji hybrid,” Connie injects, trying to strengthen Steven’s cover with details her mom will like. 

“Yes...” is all Pearl offers back, on that subject, “and your profession?”

“I’m a doctor,” Priya smiles, “and my husband is a security guard.”

“That’s nice,” Pearl says, adopting a playful tone, “I do some  _ guarding  _ myself... on my... apple farm.”

Her smile drops as she remembers that she can’t be a Crystal Gem at this dinner, and inches into a frown as she realizes that she’s married to Greg at this dinner. It returns to neutral as she remembers that she’s Steven’s Mom at this dinner, at least. 

Their attention is grabbed by the waitress, who comes out to take their order. 

It goes around the table until Pearl, who merely shakes her head.

“No thank you.”

“She ate, already,” Greg covers for her.

“Apples!” Steven says, “At work.”

Connie drops her head onto the table.

“What did I say about heads on the table?” Priya warns.

“Do you want some breadsticks at least?” Doug offers, passing the container over.

Pearl tentatively takes one, putting the end in her mouth to taste it, but not taking a bite. Her lips are curled back, away from her teeth, which sit on the crunchy bread, and her tongue is pressed lightly against the crust. She bites very slightly, but seems to regret this, and stops there.

“You don’t have to eat it, Pearl,” Steven says, gently pushing her wrist away from her mouth, and taking the breadstick from her.

He flips it, taking a bite of the other end.

“You call your mother by her first name?” Priya asks, frowning. 

Steven’s eyes widen; he hadn’t noticed.

“Uh.”

Connie’s not sure how to cover that error.

Pearl, whose mood didn’t start in a particularly good place, has seemed to have found the end of her wit. 

“I’m not his mother,” she says, “that’s Rose. She’s... no longer with us.”

Pearl seems to expect this to end this ridiculous charade, but the Maheswarans accept it as Pearl being his step mom, and nod understandingly, leaving her still married to Greg. 

Connie lets out a breath.

Pearl, still married to Greg, still not a Crystal Gem, and only the same amount Steven’s mom as she normally is, frowns again. 

“We’re sorry to hear that,” Priya says softly, “how old was Steven when you two met?”

“Oh, not born,” Greg explains, happy to edge further into truth territory, “Rose was the friend of Pearl’s I followed home.”

Pearl slides her elbow until her arm is flat on the table and her head is next to Steven’s.

“Why are we doing this again?” She sighs, “We’ve already said that you don’t live with... your mother. Why can’t we just say the rest?” 

Connie shoots a worried look in their direction, while Greg brings up the weather to distract from Pearl’s whispering.

“Connie wants us to be nuclear,” Steven reminds her, “so her parents will let us hang out.”

“Steven,” Connie cuts in, noticing his distressed look in her direction, “please help me find the bathroom.”

He follows her inside, waiting until the door shuts to explain the situation.

“Pearl doesn’t want to do this,” he says, “what’s going to happen when your parents want to hang out again? Do we have to pretend Dad lives with us? Will Garnet and Amethyst have to hide?” A particularly troubling thought hits him, “Will Dad and Pearl have to kiss to pretend to be married, because I don’t think Pearl would like that at ALL-”

Connie cuts him off with hands on his shoulders, “Steven, it’s fine- it’s going well.”

“But it’s a lie!” He narrows his eyes at her, “Your glasses...”

“What about them?”

“I healed your eyes, you don’t even need to wear those any more.”

“What are you talking about?”

“All that stuff you told your parents about my family- you’re just ashamed of me!” 

“Oh whatever, Steven,” Connie mutters, “Let’s just focus on getting through the evening.”

Pearl shoots him a curious look when he comes back outside, gently placing a reassuring hand on his head, as he sits. He glances up at her, acting as his mom, and thinks her role isn’t much different than normal.

Steven lets the conversation wash past him for a while, not really listening as he comes to a conclusion. He doesn’t like lying to his family, and he doesn’t want to lie to Connie’s family, either. He’s sure they’ll still let him hang out with Connie if he reveals the truth.

“Pearl’s not my mom,” Steven announces; he realizes, after all the gazes at the table turn to him, that this has already been revealed, “uh, Pearl is not my Dad’s wife.”

“What?” Priya says, shooting a glance towards Connie, whose head is back on the table. 

Her jaw rests on the tablecloth, arms on her head, looking up at Steven with wide eyes.

“I live with Pearl, and Garnet-” Steven says, realizing they’ve talked to the latter, “you talked to her on the phone-”

“Is Garnet your partner?” Priya asks, realizing that the adolescent sinking further into her chair is probably the source of the lies, based on her reaction.

Pearl, thinking that she would like to say she and Garnet work on equal terms, even if Garnet is technically the current leader of the Crystal Gems, merely nods. Partners sounds nice. 

Greg opens his mouth to fill in what the word means, to Pearl, but decides he really doesn’t know enough of what goes on with the Gems to really correct her, and says nothing, for now.

“-and Amethyst,” Steven goes on.

Dr Maheswaran seems too mortified to realize he’s still talking, and Steven notices that Connie has slipped from her seat and left the table, so he decides to follow her while Pearl and his Dad sort this out. 

“I’m so sorry,” Priya mutters, “though... you really could have said something...”

She seems torn between being mad that Pearl and Greg tricked her, and being embarrassed that she somehow led Connie to believe she wouldn’t accept anything other than a mom and a dad for her friends. 

“Where’s... Steven?” Pearl asks.

She sees the two of them heading up the hill, and excuses herself to follow after them. 

Pearl breaks into a sprint as a bus pulls up and the two children board.

Leaping, Pearl lands squarely on top of the vehicle with a huff, sliding down the side of the bus to throw open the door and slip in. The bus swerves dangerously as the startled bus driver loses control momentarily. Steven and Connie shoot identical guilty grins at the gem as the bus slows to a stop, driver shouting a warning to the uncaring Pearl. 

Pearl drags the two back to the restaurant, making them briefly explain their intentions with the bus.

“I don’t even know where to begin with you, young la-” 

“What were you thinking, running off with Connie like that? You could have gotten yourselves hurt!” Pearl chastises, “Steven, you are in very big trouble, and we have no choice but to punish you.”

“But Pearl...”

Pearl looks to Greg, who offers up no punishment suggestions, apparently deferring power to the one who actually lives with him.

“You’ll be losing your TV privileges for a while,” she decides.

“No! The mid-season pre-finale of Under the Knife!” Steven wails, “How can you do this to meee....”

“It’s because we love you, Steven,” Greg says, butting in to take some of Steven’s blame. 

Dr Maheswaran, happy to see some genuine parenting skills from the boy’s father and caretaker, compliments the use of phrase, recommending her own, in return. 

Mr Maheswaran, still impressed that Pearl retrieved two children off a moving bus, compliments her agility, as well. 

“We’ll have to do this again,” Doug suggests, “so we can meet your partner, as well.”

“And Amethyst;” Steven says, happy to see he can still play with Connie.

“And... Amethyst.” Priya adds, deciding she’ll sort out Steven’s confusing family with Connie later.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I'd love to know what you think, if you have a minute.


End file.
